In case you haven’t noticed the trend on your hometown Facebook sales pages, now is the time of year when sellers start pushing the idea that all of their INSANE crapola would make a great gift.

Check it:

In case you can’t read the fine print, this box wants you to “Discover the fascinating clockworker’s art!” And, “Build your own medieval clock … and it WORKS!” And then it says the same stuff in FRENCH! Because everyone loves a clock with an accent.

Do you know who finds the art of clockmaking fascinating? Clockmakers.

This man is in the picture is not a clockmaker. He is an actor. He is thinking “How long do I have to sit here and pretend I am making a medieval clock from non-medieval materials before my soul is so crushed that I am compelled to drink this entire bottle of model glue?”

By the way, in case you don’t believe me that this clock is medieval, I can assure you it is. It has gargoyles on it, and some pictures of knights or whatever on the bottom, so there.

Rocketing back to the 21st Century now:

Or maybe back to the late-ish 20th Century. Um. What? I don’t …

OK. Can one of you please explain this to me? Is this a thing that happened somewhere after calculator watches and before video iPods? Because I just don’t get why anyone would or could watch a video without sound and on such a tiny screen except for maybe porn. Oh yeah. Yep. This is for porn, isn’t it?

This one might be worth it just for the exciting photo on the cover of the box:

Allright, look. I don’t have any problem with this product as it is. Unlike the first two, the worst thing I can say about this is the handles seem like they might be a little painful when your entire body weight is pressing down into the rotating push up grips.

But what Secret Santa has such a great set of mighty huevos as to give this as a Christmas gift? Pssst … you do NOT buy exercise equipment as a gift under any circumstances, unless you are very close to the recipient and the recipient has expressed out loud a desire for the very specific thing you want to give them. Operating outside these parameters only communicates one thing and one thing alone:

“Turn off that video watch and get up off your fat butt, you adult film watching slob and get some exercise before I out you to your family as a lonely, medieval clock-making dork.”

Nobody wants that. Proceed with caution.