… and that message goes a little something like this: “I love booze so much I need to incorporate it into my Christmas decorations!”

Dont get me wrong. I’m the last person to judge the character of any grown adult taking part in a social drinky-poo now and then. Or even a little more often than now and then. For a lot of people, hooch is practically an essential tool to get through the holidays. I don’t really have a problem with that.

I do have a problem with figuring out how to combine one’s love of the holidays with one’s enjoyment of alcohol, while satisfying one’s longing to display these two loves to the world with a Gestalt of sparkly, inebriated wonder. (Too many “one’s”? Hm, probably.)

Guess what! Problem solved!

Now you can advertise your dependance on liquor AND show how much that love is inextricably linked to the lonely, frustrated, crowded or demanding winter holidays. How’s that, you ask? I’m so glad you did.

See? A little tinsel, a string of colored lights, a glass cutter and last night’s regrets are all the things you need to create the perfect spectacle of Christmas or Hanukkah spirit.

But wait. Please don’t do it yourself. This is not a crafty project for the likes of you. You’re still weaving around from whatever you drained from that bottle last night. Instead, just click on over to your local Facebook sales pages and find yourself one of these babies. There’s a good girl. We don’t need you handling anything sharp enough to cut glass, and we certainly don’t want your flammable breath getting anywhere near anything that might — even in the most unlikely situation — create a spark, such as testing out string after string of years’ old Christmas lights in a socket that may or may not be grounded.

Better act fast, and contact your local Facebook seller. It’s OK if you make typos. Believe me, they do not care. But seriously, get going because there are 47 other people who can’t seem to take their eyes off this thing. This … magical … hypnotizing … intoxicating … thing.